I recently got my newest Creating Keepsakes magazine, which usually really motivates me to get going and get scrapping with many awesome new ideas for me to tweak and try in my own work.
However.... sometimes I go into what I can only describe as my "magazine funk". I flip through page after page of glorious designs seemingly from the same people every single month (Can we say, "Mou Saha"???? [And I'm not saying that meanly... I think I'm her biggest fan!]) and I just see, like, this glorious hierarchy of creative geniuses the likes of which I will never be...
And it puts me in a funk.
I don't know why I think I should be published in some magazine or admired by others in order to be "good" at what I do. I mean, essentially, what this is all about is doing what I love and recording my family's history and leaving a story behind for future generations who will love what "Grandma Canuel" did and to whom names the likes of Mou Saha will not mean a thing.
But still. I'm kind of in a funk today.
Although, I don't think it's 100% the magazine. I'm nearing the end of summer with an 8 year old and a nearly 3 year old, both boys, who have been running me ragged for quite a while. I'm watching my grandma's sick doggie while she's visiting my aunt in California. I'm a bit overwhelmed and a bit overworked, perhaps, and even buying my brand new Graphically Speaking cartridge today at Hobby Lobby with some hard earned JoAnn teaching money isn't making it all go away. Maybe that's the real reason all of this is bothering me.
Maybe all of this is just to say how much I really NEED to sit and scrap. Maybe this is all pointing even brighter and more obviously to the fact that I need to sit and not think about my house which is actually pretty well taken care of (all laundry and dishes currently done... yee!) or my crazy kids, one of whom is just about to go down for his nap.
Maybe I should stop looking at what other people do as the unattainable goal I seem to think it is and look at it more as an inappropriate goal. I mean, why the heck should I want to scrap like Mou Saha? Why in the world don't I just scrap the way I scrap? Why not spend more time figuring out exactly how it is I scrap? Why is what I like to do suddenly feeling not good enough? Why is what I naturally love suddenly feeling boring? Is it because what I do doesn't look like what other people do? Isn't that totally awesome, though? Shouldn't I be kind of jumping up and down and feeling a bit thrilled that my own style is starting to develop?
I think that maybe I should try to forget the magazines. I should even try to forget Mou Saha (who I would SO love to send some chocolate to) and her glorious work which I adore... Just for a while. Maybe I shouldn't pick up a book. Or look at a magazine. Or search for project ideas online.
I think that maybe, just maybe, I need some time to find a little bit more of myself. After all, I don't think this is a process which we should ever feel is complete. Each day, each new experience, each frustration, triumph, joy, and heartache adds yet more layers to each one of us--layers that deserve to be explored. I think I really should just play for a while without thinking of making something good enough for a magazine. I'll just create for the sake of creating.
You know, I'm reminded of a story my choir teacher in high school read to us. It was basically about a little cricuit who, through the entire story was longing to be a butterfly. She constantly was saying, "I wish I was a butterfly." She sought out the wise old owl of the forest who essentially told her that she was made for singing, and she was special because of that. And her heart was filled with so much joy, she began chirping and singing a beautiful song. At the very end of the story, a butterfly happened to be flying by, heard the song, and thought wistfully, "What beautiful music! I wish I was a cricuit."
Anyway... I guess none of us are more beautiful and desirable than when we are who we truly are. Why should we try to be anything else?